


the quarreling of an old married couple (through time and space)

by Evanaissante



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Awkward Flirting, Drama & Romance, Fluff, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, One Shot Collection, Self-Hatred, a bunch of aus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-04 16:43:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18347642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evanaissante/pseuds/Evanaissante
Summary: This is a one-shot collection following the very complicated, very animated and sometimes downright stupid love story between Remus John Lupin and Sirius Orion Black. From ridiculous AUs to angst fest texts, there's something for everybody.





	1. we're not friends, nor have we ever been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> james' point of view on remus and sirius' relationship 
> 
> (tw : homophobic language and attack)

There has always been something different between Remus and Sirius.  A type of bond no one else could understand. Like a red wire connecting their two beings into a single one.

Of course, James was Sirius' best friend. More than a best friend, his brother in everything that mattered. Nothing could change that, no feelings, no fights.  What Sirius and James had was utter friendship in its purest form. No ambiguity, no lust hidden under long stares, no caresses or secret kisses.  They were brothers.

But Remus and Sirius were inseparable. Not like James and Sirius, not like two troublemakers ready to break rules together.  Sirius and Remus were one soul. They were one heart and one mind inside two different bodies.

When James had found out about it, had understood why Sirius would never really date, why Remus' knuckles would turn white every time a Hufflepuff girl batted her eyelashes at Sirius, why they always looked at each other with longing and affection. He had kept quiet about it.

He knew what people would say.

_ The fucking puffs. _

But they weren't puffs, nor fags. They were Remus and Sirius.  They were these two brave, talented, smart people with terrible lives who just found each other in the middle.

James never said anything. He never talked about how Sirius would run his fingers through Remus' hair when he was asleep on his lap and he thought no one could see them.

He never talked about the noises he could hear at night when their silence spell didn't quite work correctly.  He never talked about Remus' broken expression when he learned that Sirius had slept with Marlene McKinnon on their fifth year when he was drunk and definitely high as well.  He never talked about the screams that echoed through the Gryffindor tower as Remus cursed Sirius' very existence and the Black heir just apologised over and over.

He never talked about Remus' first ever girlfriend. The one with the black hair and eyes that looked so much like Sirius'.  He never talked about Sirius' sobs that night when he understood that Remus was done with it. With all of this, that he couldn't be the dirty little secret anymore.  He never talked about Remus' break up with that Ravenclaw girl and how he looked almost relieved when she left him for some other guy.  He never talked about Sirius' look of pure hope when she walked away.

He never talked about the shared meals and private jokes they had and that neither he nor Peter could understand.  He never talked about Remus' worst full moon, where he cried out Sirius' name on the next morning as his broken fingers were fixed by a trembling Peter.  He never talked about the knowing look Lily had when she saw them almost cuddling on the Gryffindor's sofa on a particularly cold Christmas Eve night.

He never talked about the insults thrown at Remus' back when everyone thought he couldn’t hear them.  He never talked about that one time Sirius got beat up at Hogsmeade because they had been separated and he was nothing more than a fairy.  He never talked about why the same boys who had hurt his friend never dared show their faces again.  He never talked about his sore fists either.

He never talked about the first Yule ball they ever went to, where Peter asked Mary McDonald out, James was Lily's date and the two other Marauders stayed very much alone.  He never talked about the kiss he witnessed that night, in one of the darkest corridors of Hogwarts, where he could hear but not see Sirius' desperation to be touched.

He never talked about Remus John Lupin and Sirius Orion Black's relationship.  He never talked about the day they moved in together, or the day Sirius finally came out to him with tears in his eyes and fear in his hands.

He never talked about it. Because they were his friends, his brothers, his family and his whole world.

And because, in the end, it wasn’t his story to tell.


	2. i'll be there for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a friends au or the one where everybody already knows

Peter sighed, his eyes were still stuck by sleep, his face decorated with the lines of his pillow and the coffee jar was already empty, on Monday morning.

Sometimes, living with your insomniac best friends had fewer perks than first thought.

"Sirius, did you drink all of the coffee again?" He asked, warming a mug of water to drink quickly some tea before he left for work.

"I don't drink coffee, too bitter," Sirius answered, entering the kitchen with nothing else than a bed sheet around his waist. "Remus needed to finish some project for his literature class and stayed awake all night, blame him."

Remus was the only one if his roommates who was still in college, studying English and French literature with a side of political arts or, as James would call it, Nerd studies.

Peter, Sirius and James had graduated two years ago, Peter became a kindergarten teacher, Sirius was basically an Instagram model and James had become a cop, meaning they were all bloody broke.

"Sirius, did you drink all the tea?" Peter asked again, looking in the cupboards with hope fueled by despair and fatigue.

Sirius sat across from him at the breakfast table, a smirk growing on his face as he witnessed the anguish in his friend's movements. "Okay, that was me, but you never drink tea, so I guess it was okay."

"I drink tea when your  _ boyfriend  _ finishes the coffee, which happens every day," Peter replied, frustration increasing every time Sirius opened his mouth.

Sirius looked startled for a minute. "Remus is not my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend, lover, fuck buddy, love of your life, the moon of your stars, whatever." Peter groaned. "I am going to ask coffee to the girls."

He left Sirius to his thoughts and knocked on their neighbours' door, which was opened quickly by a very naked Marlene McKinnon, obviously still half asleep and in no way ashamed of her nudity.

"Peter!" She said as she opened the door wider, exposing her bare breasts to the entire building. "What can I do for you at this ungodly hour?"

Peter was used to Marlene's ways and found himself smiling as he heard a groan behind the woman that probably belonged to a just as sleepy Dorcas, Marlene's fiancé and one of Peter's dearest friends.

"I need some coffee to start the day and my rude roommates drank everything." He explained.

Marlene nodded. "I haven't made coffee yet, because our coffee machine is broken, but give me five minutes and I'll come to make a jar in your apartment."

"If you work your magic, I'll give you one of the  _ pączki _ I made for my pupils," Peter promised, making Marlene  _ physically  _ drool.

Everyone knew how good Peter's baking skills were, and no one could resist his famous  _ pączki _ , born from his grandmother's book of traditional Polish recipes, a book that Peter followed to the letter.

He quickly returned to his flat and displayed a few pastries on a plate and took out a bunch of mugs, weirdly all  _ Sherlock _ themed, that he knew would be used the second Marlene made her delicious Arabian beans ground coffee.

He hoped Mary would be there too since he met her, he felt an intense affection for the girl, he loved her beautiful brown hair and her dark eyes, or how she laughed every time Peter made a fool of himself. If he was honest with himself, he had a deep crush on the girl, a crush he never acted on because he felt never confident enough, especially next to someone as handsome as Sirius, as funny as James or as clever as Remus.

Now, though, James was in a serious relationship with his work partner, Lily Evans and Sirius was unconditionally in love with Remus, even if he didn’t admit it to himself, maybe it was time to ask Mary out.

He waited for Marlene few more minutes, then opened the door when the woman, followed by Dorcas, announced that Mary was on her way, with Lily and James, and Alice with Frank close behind. For a peaceful morning in his flat, it was becoming more and more crowded.

They all took a cup of coffee and a pastry, sitting inside the flat's red and purple sofas, discussing their lives before they all needed to leave this calm ambience and return to the stress of their adult lives.

Sirius was no longer in his sheet, by the time Peter returned to their kitchen, Sirius had straightened his hair, put some clothes on and a thin line of silver eyeliner all over his lids.

Remus was the only one missing, they could hear his soft snores coming from what seemed to be Sirius' bedroom door, but no one said anything...

Until Marlene did.

"So, when are you going to put a ring on it?" She asked playfully, as she took a large sip of her coffee.

Sirius blinked, eyes wide with confusion. "Are you high, McKinnon? Or are you naturally bloody bonkers?"

"I am high as a kite, Black." She replied. "High on open, free and gay love, you should try."

"I am not hiding everything." He said, sending her a murderous glare. "I am out of the closet and perfectly happy."

"And is Remus out of your bed yet or is he still resting after your night of passion?" Dorcas mocked.

Sirius opened his mouth, ready to reply when he was stopped in his tracks by a loud groan coming from behind him.

Remus, in his naked glory, fists rubbing his closed eyes, was walking towards them,  _ out of Sirius' room. _

"Sirius? What time is it?" The boy asked, voice low with sleep.

Every eye in the room turned to the man in question, knowing smiles growing on their faces.

Sirius looked at them, the silver around his eyes making him look beautifully lost.

"I-I..." He tried, then, full of new found confidence he stood up, protecting his boyfriend's nudity from prying eyes with his body as he pointed a finger to Peter. "He has a crush on McDonald!"

Marlene laughed out loud, holding her stomach as Frank grinned and Lily chuckled. James let out a loud  _ shit _ and Mary gasped next to him as Peter groaned.

All of this because of an empty coffee pot.


	3. that's no moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a star wars au but mostly it's just me messing around with fake space facts

 

Sirius has always loved the stars, from the constellation that gave him his name, to the dying lights of the dust of Alderaan. He has always felt safe in the immensity of space.

The infinity of the galaxies never bothered him, he has never felt threatened by their greatness and their old age, only joy in knowing that he had the privilege to see intergalactic beauties during his short, but action filled, life.

He was born on Chandrilla, a small blue planet that had once been, years ago, the capital of the New Republic before it rotated to other planets. How he was born there was still, and would probably stay, a mystery to him. His parents were not supporters of the Rebellion, some might even say that they were against it, but they were also cowards who would have never taken part in a war they knew they had no chance to win.

Sirius was the heir of his family, the one who was supposed to marry a noble girl from Lothal or Chalacta, someone who could bear his well-behaved children who would follow the rules of the family and become high members of the Chandrillan community.

Sirius has never liked rules, has never liked girls and he doesn't want a bunch of boring brats just because his father wants their name to prosper and survive.

When he was fifteen years old, Sirius bought his own ship and decided to leave everything behind to meet and greet the stars that were also above his head, but so out of access when you spend your life chained to books about etiquette.

His best friend, a Lothalian boy named James Potter, followed him, not because he was afraid of his parents or because he wanted to escape a life that felt too small for him, like Sirius, but because he wanted to impress a girl.

Lily was a true Chandrillan girl, with the trademark red hair and green eyes that would leave anyone breathless. She was also a stubborn young woman who despised James and wanted nothing to do with him. Weirdly, that only made James fall harder for her.

Their first trip as runaways was to Corellia, where they drank viscous and green alcohol until they vomited and where they met a short boy, who was older than them, but who seemed so frail and so lost that they could only take him with them.

Peter was a sixteen-year-old orphan, his mother had died of an unknown disease that left the poor boy all alone in the world, then he had met the two other boys and, suddenly, he wasn't alone in the world anymore.

From simple vacancies in the Galaxie, their trips quickly changed to something else. Peter had been raised with the glorious stories of Han Solo, the Corellian scavenger who had married a terrifying and powerful senator when money had started to run short, Peter had been the first one to drop the small but growing idea of becoming high-class thieves.

James and Sirius had agreed as soon as the words left his mouth, ready for danger and adventure when all of it seemed so fun in the history books.

The first few plans they've acted on were bad, not terrible enough to send them to jail, but leaving a lot to change.

When they started to evolve, finding their own place in the world of scavenging, they had decided that thieves, or at least good thieves, all needed a name.

That was how the Marauders were born.

Soon enough, everyone knew about Prongs, Wormtail and Padfoot, the three cunning geniuses who would set foot on a rich planet on Monday morning and have it sucked dry by Tuesday night.

Sirius had felt ready, after years of shenanigans, to settle into this fun, but illegal, routine for the rest of his life, just him, James, Peter and the stars.

Then James had gotten a message from Lily Evans, then a letter, then more letters, until one day James just went back to Chandrilla, in love and waiting for something else, something that Sirius hadn't planned.

It left Sirius all alone with Peter by his side, the two men attached and free to lose themselves deeper into the darkness of space.

Until Peter met Mary.

Mary was from Naboo, she was petite yet somehow stronger than Sirius would have imagined and she held in her eyes treasures Peter could never find, even in the stars.

They fell in love quickly and irrevocably.

The duo was down to one, the adventure was over, Sirius was now completely alone. He kept on living.

He still talked to James, he even came back to Chandrilla for his wedding, and he called Peter every week, but he never took another passenger and was set on continuing his scavenging on his own until he was old and wrinkled.

That was until he heard about the Moon Crystal of Bimmisaari.

Sirius had read about Bimmisaari and its people when he was still a child, head filled with legends on this near-Human who could live up to 200 years and who were known to be pacific and wise, but the legend that, back then, obsessed him was the legend of Moon Crystal.

The Moon Crystal was the most valuable possession of the Bimms, not only because of its rare beauty but because of its famous properties, stories affirmed it brought peace to Bimmisaari and held in his core the answer to life itself.

Sirius couldn't even imagine its worth, or how much it would pay to sell it, after stealing it, of course.

Still, he couldn't do it alone, he was maybe used to the loneliness now, but he was still better with Peter and James.

Which was why he went back to Chandrilla once again and begged them both to accompany him to Bimmisaari, for  _ one last gig, _ as he said.

Peter had been easy to convince, he was just as curious about the Crystal as Sirius was, but James had doubts. He was about to be a father and he didn't feel like risking everything for a childhood dream.

Sirius had to pout for two hours straight before James finally agreed, it was worth it anyway.

Agreeing didn't chase James' insecurities away, though. Every time Sirius tried to show off with his new flying skills, his best friend would give him a murderous glare before mumbling something about  _ stupid pilots who never think about putting on their seat belts. _

Bimmisaari was as beautiful as Sirius had expected, the ground was made out of golden dirt that reflected brightly on the city's silver walls where jewels were used as decor, translucent lakes made the entire planet look like a blue diamond while fluorescent flowers hypnotised Sirius every time he walked by a bush.

Entering the city was easy enough, the Bimms were too trusting, welcoming the three men like wealthy tourists and showing their kindness every time they could, it made Sirius slightly guilty and uncomfortable.

The Palace was another business, it was of easy access as well, but they were watched closely by Bimms guards who were only 4'9, like all Bimms, but who were especially threatening with their golden spears and swords.

"Before you ask, I refuse to be the distraction." Said Peter, his Corellian accent still as strong as it used to be when he was sixteen.

"I wasn't going to ask  _ you _ ," Sirius replied.

James snorted. "Yeah, it's a no from me too, mate."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I wasn't going to ask any of you. We can't do this by daylight, we'll come back tonight."

And come back they did, sneaking inside the once well-guarded treasure room as easily as expected once they were in their element.

"That was easy." Breathed Peter as he closed the door behind him.

"Too easy." Said James looking asks around the room with worried eyes. "Sirius, I think this is a trap, we should go."

But Sirius was not hearing him, in front of him, right there on a burgundy presentation pillow, rested a small violet crystal.

"This is it," Sirius whispered, his hands trembling as he picked up the stone, rolling it between his fingers.

As soon as the rock was lifted off its pillow, the doors opened, revealing twelve guards as well as a severe man dressed in a grey toga and a gentle, but frightened, woman in a blue dress.

"You tried to steal the Crystal from our people, Lothalian, Corellian and Alderaanian, for this betrayal, the punishment is death." Claimed the man, ordering his guards around without a word.

Sirius would have tried to run if he was alone, but he couldn't risk James and Peter's lives and, with regret and anger, let down his arms and was dragged into a cold and humid cell, his friends close behind.

They were locked inside three separate rooms, where the only exit was a small window above the stone door where he talked with his friends, apologising again and again for the mess he had caused.

"Of course, you would get me killed." Groaned James. "You of all people."

"We can still try to flee." Said Peter through the bars of the window.

"How?" Questioned James, mockingly. "We kindly ask the Bimms to free us, the thieves who tried to steal their bloody knowledge rock?"

"I don't know, okay?" Answered Peter. "But we will find something, we always do."

"Then ask the  _ Alderaanian _ to find a plan, because I got nothing."

"Yeah." Said, Peter. "What's up with that, Sirius, aren't you from Chandrilla?"

"I am." Replied the man. "Or at least I thought I was."

Truth be told, his mother had always said that she was from Alderaan, when the planet was still intact, that blue blood was in her veins, but she was most of the time drunk on Parmathen wine so Sirius had learned to block out everything is mother barked.

Sirius' mind was fuming, he needed to find something, anything that would get them out of here quickly and unharmed. It wasn't the first time they had been arrested by the guards of the planet they were scavenging, but. It was the first time actually feared for his life.

He was also extremely confused, he didn't really care about his origins, he had never given much space in his life to questions about his true nature, he was always too busy for that, but now he was locked in a cell with only his mind as company and the knowledge that, everything he once knew as his past, was a lie.

He heard hushed whispers that didn't belong to either Peter nor James outside of his cell, curious, he went to look by the bars of his window, where he met eyes with the tallest Bimm he had ever seen.

The man must have been around 6'6, an impossible height for a man of Bimmisaari, yet he had the same brown and golden eyes as the grave man in a toga that sent Sirius and his friends to their death. The man also had chestnut hair that fell slightly on his eyes and on a round looking tattoo on his forehead that seemed to move around. His face was decorated with many jewels and marks that had been carved into his skin, he was not as beautiful as Sirius was himself, but he possessed something so mysterious and gleaming that Sirius found himself staring at the man's face in awe.

"I will get you out of here." The man said, his Bimm accent strong when he spoke Chandrillan, the only language that the three Marauders all understood.

"Oh my star, thank you." Cried out Peter from behind his door.

"Why?" Asked Sirius, still looking at the man intensely as he moved around the room, trying to open the locks in silence.

"Sirius, don't question the man with the keys to our freedom." Warned James in a growl.

The man turned again to Sirius, opening his door and letting the scavenger out, making them finally face to face.

"You wanted to steal the Moon Crystal from the planet, I want to help you." Replied the man, looking at Sirius with the same want as the Chandrillan, or Alderaanian if what the Bimms said was true.

"Why would you want to help us steal some rock?" Asked James as he went out of his cell, curiosity stronger than his need to escape."Isn't it the biggest wealth your people possess?"

The man smiled. "The Moon Crystal is not a rock, and yes, it brings us knowledge and peace, but it is used by my father, Senator Lyall, to stay in command without a democratic vote from the people. I want to change that."

"What's your name?" Asked Sirius, his eyes analysing every freckle or dimple on the man's face.

"I'm Remus, and the Moon Crystal is not an  _ actual _ crystal." He took a deep breath and looked at Sirius in the eyes. " _ I _ am the Moon Crystal and I want to escape."


	4. do you really want to live forever?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sirius makes a wish he regrets

Remus baked a cake, a round thing covered in chocolate buttercream and sugar flowers. The cream to cake ratio looks all wrong, but Sirius doesn't mind, doesn't care if he's being honest.

He doesn't care about the cake because he doesn’t care about the day.

He doesn't understand how people celebrate birthdays with smiles on their faces when they know that, all those blue candles slowly melting is just another proof of how quickly time passes.

"Blow your candles!" Says Peter, his blond hair peppered with grey strands.

Sirius looks around the room, observing his friends, from James and his thick glasses to Lily and the laughter wrinkles in the corner of her eyes.

And then, there is Remus.

Remus, whose scars are now entirely white, almost invisible, whose eyes gleam with the happiness he never had when he was sixteen.  Remus, his Remus, his love, he looks perfect.  His age doesn't shame his beauty, he still looks as magnificent as he did when he was a teenager.

And yet, Sirius doesn't see himself that way. He cannot look at his face, old and grey, and not dream of youth. He cannot hear his hoarse voice and rough tone, created by the smoke he swallows every day, and not wish, just wishes that he could be forever young.

He blows his candles, he lets his friends applaud him and let the smell of wax fill the air.

Then, the world stops.

 

 

The room is too bright, the light is too warm. It feels like morning, but it was dark outside when Remus fell asleep, just a few minutes ago.

"Wake up, sunshine." Says a voice, soft and too high to be Remus'.

Sirius sits up, eyes narrowed because of the sun and head pounding for an unknown reason.

His mouth is filled with what seems like cotton, there is a bitter taste on his tongue and he doesn't understand because it tastes like vodka, but he didn’t drink last night, he can’t hold his liquor as well as he did when he was younger.

"I thought you were going to sleep another hour." Says the voice again and Sirius opens his eyes a bit more, just to see what the hell is happening.

There is a young man in bed with him, a frail little thing with long legs and narrow hips. He's naked and he looks slightly like Remus, but he doesn’t have the same spark in his eyes and his nose is too straight to be his lover's.

_ Shit, shit, shit. _

"Who are you? What am I doing here?" Sirius asks guilt and stress already making him queasy.

He cheated on Remus, shit, no, how?! They celebrated his birthday together yesterday, he went to bed with him, held him close and made love before falling asleep.

And now, he wakes up in the arms of a young Remus wannabe? This makes no sense.

The young man smiles and then laughs, like what Sirius just asked was hilarious. "Si, it's me." He laughs again and caresses Sirius' collarbone, making the other man shiver and try to take a step back. "It's Damien, your  _ husband " _

Sirius' eyes widen, anger rising in his chest. This man is  _ not  _ his husband, he's been married to the same man for four years and he's known him for over forty years. This man is  _ not  _ his Remus.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sirius yells, jumping out of the bed as the man,  _ Damien,  _ smiles again.

"Damn, I knew you were a lightweight, but you never had this type of hangover before."

"I didn't drink last night." Sirius hisses. "I celebrated my fifty-eighth birthday with my  _ husband _ , Remus."

Damien looks surprised, almost flabbergasted. "Si, what are you talking about? We celebrated your twenty-fifth birthday yesterday, at a night club with all our friends."

Damien stands up as well, obviously not embarrassed with his nudity. "And  _ I _ am your husband, we got married four years ago."

"No!" Sirius yells. "I am married to Remus John Lupin, I've known him my entire life and I  _ love  _ him."

"What!?" Damien says, annoyance evident in his voice. "You're married to me! You've always been." He looks angry now, the tips of his ears are turning red. "Mr Lupin was your Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, you haven’t seen him in years."

Sirius jumps on the man, grabbing his throat and kicking him against the wall behind him. "How do you know anything about Hogwarts?" He yells as Damien tries to push him off.

"You told me everything about your family and your powers," Damien says, suffocating. "Sirius, please stop. You're hurting me."

Sirius is almost ready to choke the man, fear running deep in his bones, confusion so strong in his mind he doesn’t even see straight.

Then, he catches a glimpse of his face in the mirror next to Damien, and he feels like screaming.

He looks beautiful, dazzling,  _ exquisite _ even.

And young, so young.

"What happened to me?" He says, touching his face like it holds a secret or mystery hidden under the skin.

"You got drunk and became an ass." Says Damien as he holds his sore throat.

Sirius looks at him, tears ready to spill. "No, not that. What happened to my face? What happened to Remus, and James? Where am I?"

Damien stands up, crossing his arms over his chest. "You turned twenty-five yesterday, that's what happened." He sighs. "And about Mr Lupin, I am not certain. The last time you saw him was at his wedding with your cousin, you know, Nymphadora. We went to their wedding together, but you didn’t want to meet their son after that. We haven't seen them since."

Damien continues, unaware of what his words are doing to Sirius. "I don't know who is James, and to be honest, I don't care." He looks at Sirius once before turning around and grumbling something about coffee and awful husbands.

But, Sirius doesn't hear him, his mind is taken by other words, other memories, and a wish, a horrible wish he should have never made.

 

" _ Make a wish, Sirius!" _

_ Blue candles melting, James' thick glasses, Lily's wrinkles, Peter's grey hair and Remus' shiny eyes. _

_ "I want to be forever young." _

 

He got his wish alright, but he's not sure he really wants to keep it.


	5. forever and ever?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the second part of "do you want to live forever?", sirius tries go back in time and sacrifices are made

When Sirius understands what he's done, when his heart threatens to carve itself out of his chest and his mouth taste like decomposing bile, he runs.  He leaves the beautiful loft, he shares with  _ whatever his name is,  _ and he runs through London like a man on a mission, maybe because he  _ is _ a man on a mission.

"I never wanted this." He says, his eyes burning with unshed tears, his voice trembling with lost dreams. "I never wanted this."

_ Oh, but you did.  _ Says a voice in his mind that sounds too much like his mother to be useful in a moment like this.

He stops running when his legs finally give out when his feet trip over themselves and he falls on his arse like a toddler who just learned to waddle.  He has to take a deep breath because his lungs are echoing in his ribcage like voices inside a cathedral and he feels ready to faint or to vomit, he's not sure yet.  He wants Remus, he wants his husband, and he wants to cuddle next to him and rub their two unshaved cheeks against each other, he wants to kiss him silly and count the wrinkles on his forehead and below his eyes, and gosh, he never wanted  _ this _ .

Being young, what was the point if your heart stayed old?

"You're a wizard, Sirius." He said to himself. "You'll figure it out."

Because the other option is just imaginable, he won't live this life with  _ Damien,  _ and go party with people he does not give a bloody fuck about.

He will find a way back to who he used to be, sore back and Viagra pills needed, the whole  _ I am old  _ pack included.

And if that means he has to sacrifice something of himself, if he has to shorten his life and tear himself open, then so be it.

The potion is a deep green colour that reminds Sirius of Lily and Harry's eyes.

It also reminds him Remus' awful Christmas jumper, but that thought makes his heart feel heavy in his chest because a month has passed and now he has to go to Wales to find an old Remus and convince him that he belongs to him, not his perfect wife.

_ Great, what an amazing Christmas present. _

Still, he does it anyway, because what should he do? Wait another month to wreck  _ this _ Remus' life? It doesn't matter when he does it, it's going to happen, rather now than later.  He tries to not let the guilt devour him as he drives to Remus' alleged home, he tries to focus on the task at hand not think of Remus and his wife, Remus and his son.

Remus and his father, apparently.

Because when he arrives, he catches a glimpse from the large window that shows the entire living room and there he is, Lyall Lupin, old and grey like the suit he's wearing.  He's sitting in a purple armchair, his frail arms trembling slightly as Teddy, Sirius assumes, gives him a neatly wrapped present.

Sirius' heart breaks.

Because Remus is there, sitting next to Tonks, a glass of champagne in one hand and the other on his wife's lower back, it's protective, familiar, it's what love looks like.  And Teddy, oh Teddy, he smiles, his dimples show and his hair turn blue, he makes his mother laugh and his grandfather chuckle. He looks like Remus, only if Remus was young and happy.

But Remus  _ is _ happy.  Maybe that's what truly breaks Sirius, Remus looks happy without him, Remus looks happy surrounded by his family,  _ his _ , not theirs.

_ I should leave _ , Sirius thinks,  _ I should leave and never come back. I should leave and let him have this. _

Except, Sirius has never been good when it comes to following his own pieces of advice. He's selfish, that's just a fact.

When he wakes up, this time, Remus is next to him.  Remus with his grey hair, messy beard, freckles and brown eyes. 

Remus, who can never know the guilt Sirius holds in his heart.


	6. truth is like blood underneath your fingernails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sirius doesn't die at the ministry but it doesn't change that much in the end.  
> (tw : suicide)

The thing is, Sirius didn't die.

He saw Bellatrix before he heard her sharp and hostile voice bark her curse and he just had the time to duck the ray of green light that was sent his way.  He remembers how his heart had tried to jump out of his chest afterwards when he understood how close to death he had been.  How close to death Harry had been, how close he had been to lose Remus, to lose Remus  _ and _ Harry, to lose  _ everything _ .  Then, when the adrenaline had settled deep in his veins and his mind had been cleared of fear and doubt, he had made plans for the future.

He couldn’t stay at Grimmauld, at least not forever. He was willing to give his old house to Dumbledore, to the Order or it meant that he never had to go there again.  But, he couldn’t stay at Remus' forever either, not only because it wasn't the polite thing to do, but also because Remus' flat was absolutely awful and Sirius just couldn't keep Harry with him in such a horrible place.  Which brought him to his next plan, getting Harry out of the Dursleys' home and never leaving Harry out of his sight ever again.

The first few weeks after the fight at the Ministry had been good, almost happy. While everyone knew that Voldemort was back, they still all decided to celebrate the end of the children's school year, just to keep everyone's mood up.  Molly had cooked some proper roast dinner and Sirius had provided the Firewhisky. The night had been as perfect as it could have been in these times.  Harry had laughed loudly at a joke Ron had made, making Hermione roll her eyes while the twins were busy explaining their ideas of products for their newly bought shop to a very interested Remus, whom, after Harry had glared, confessed that he was the famous Moony, while Sirius snorted at the twins' hysterical faces.

Everyone had been fine, warm, easy, simple, natural,  _ good. _

Then a loud noise broke the happy chatter, it was the familiar crash of a Troll-leg umbrella stand.  Sirius still remembers how his world had shattered in a matter of seconds.  In a way, he should have known. Remus had always been popular with girls, it wasn’t surprising that the one woman who had been with him day and night for years would fall in love with him.

Still, when Sirius had understood why Tonks' hair had been a plain brown colour and why Remus didn’t look at him like he used to, it had hurt more than he ever thought it would.  It had hurt even more when, after six months of secret glances, soft smiles and cute kisses, the word had changed from girlfriend to fiancé, to  _ wife _ .

And really, if no one looked too closely, Sirius seemed joyful.

When Remus told him about the proposal, he had smiled so widely, had laughed so loudly, that everyone just believed him happy.  And maybe, just maybe, if someone had taken a step forward, they would have seen how his eyes closed before tears could spill, how his lips couldn’t smile all the way up and how he started to shake when, soon after the wedding, Tonks announced that they were having a baby.

And Teddy was beautiful, perfect, he looked like his mother, but had his father's eyes, he looked like the perfect balance between a Lupin and a Black.  He looked like he could have been Sirius' son, and Remus'.  _ Their _ son.  _ It's my life _ , Sirius thought sometimes had night, when sleep wouldn't come, and his head was filled with bitter regrets,  _ she's living my life. _

In the end, it became too much, too painful, to witness their happiness.

That's why, when Avery raised his wand at him on the battlefield, ray green of light sent his way, Sirius didn't duck this time.


	7. flame on burn desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> soulmates au that was once called "why do i keep hurting sirius?"
> 
> (tw : walburga and orion black are in this, they get their own trigger warning.)

Sirius rolls his third joint with trembling fingers and the smell of his last smoke on his lips. He's been in this shady club for the last hour, trying to keep himself in the perfect state between high and drunk, that mind space where you can't feel anything else than joyful nonsense.

He shouldn't be here, it's not good for his health nor for his reputation, but he doesn’t know how to force himself to walk out. If he leaves, then he has to face the real world, the one where teenagers his age don't drink orange vodka.

He just turned seventeen, which doesn't seem like a huge number when you think about it, but everything, especially stories like his, need context.

In his world, the real one, every single human being turning seventeen gets a soulmark.

A soulmark, or marking, is a small ink tattoo that appears on a person's left wrist when they hit seventeen. The mark starts by leaving little black stains, similar to ink, on the skin then it expands and turns into cursive letters, forming the complete name of your soulmate.

Your fated.

Now, most people's tattoo is dark and shows their soulmate's birth name, but one of Sirius' school friend, Dorcas Meadowes, has a golden tattoo, because black would have been almost invisible on her dark skin, and the name on her wrist  _ was _ her soulmate's, but it didn’t say Jonathan Marlon McKinnon, the birth name of her fated.

Only Marlene McKinnon, the one her fated had chosen for herself.

Most people also felt tremendous joy at their seventeen birthday, the idea of knowing the one you would spend the rest of your days with was more than exciting, but sometimes, the worst happened. S ometimes, your wrist stayed blank or the name on it confessed something you weren't ready to reveal. Sometimes, after a few years, your soulmark disappeared, maybe because your soulmate died or because, in the end, they had chosen someone else as their fated.

The words on your skin didn’t equal a forever.

Sirius was one of those who wasn't ready to see the name on his skin, one of those who had secrets he could never let out.

_ Remus John Lupin. _

A man.

His mother hadn’t cried or screamed when she saw the name on his wrist, she just made a face and turned around, leaving Sirius to his sorrow and begging to  _ just, please, we can figure it out. _

He had pleaded and sobbed, had promised that he would marry a girl, that he would give her grandchildren, that he could still make her proud. He wouldn't be like these  _ fags,  _ they saw on the telly, he wouldn't go to parades or sing gay songs.

He was still her son.

Then, she turned back with something shiny in her hand and something burning in her eyes.

The knife was round in shape with a larger blade on the bottom to keep the piece of skin intact once it had been cut out. Sirius had yelled the moment it touched his skin, he tried to move and run away, but it was right then that his father decided to join the party and hold him.  Now, it was and never had been entirely legal to cut out someone's soulmark. It was an act of cruelty absolutely repulsing and while it was not forbidden by the law, it was greatly frowned upon.

It didn’t stop the Blacks from scraping their oldest son's marking with no remorse or regrets.

When the pain had been too awful, he had bolted out of his father's arms and left his house to run to the nearest club, somewhere where his parents would be caught dead in.  Then he had watched in horror the blood spill from his wound, covering the remaining letters,  _ pin,  _ entirely.  He had lost his soulmark, his everything. It had been taken away from him.

He wondered briefly if that Remus had felt the pain of their bond splitting when it was not even completely formed yet.  Then his mind had taken him to some humid and cold woods, close to a cabin, where his soulmate probably lived. It seemed unknown, but Sirius felt confident.

He would find this Remus, even if it was the last thing he ever did.

 


	8. love with tongues of fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the second part of "flame on burn desire", remus makes a choice and sirius isn't the nicest person but it's understandable (kind of).

When Remus was sixteen, he felt an awful ache growing inside his chest, like a tumour implanting itself in his heart and bleeding him out. He suffocated and started to vomit, blood pouring out of his mouth like he bit his own tongue out. There was also a pain in his left arm, starting at his wrist and paralysing his entire limb.

He knew, without really thinking about it, that his soulmate just got his mark cut out and that now, because of their bond, he had to suffer through it as well.

He hoped that he was getting the worst of it and that his soulmate didn’t really hurt that much because that pain, the one that made his head dizzy and broke his body in small pieces of himself, should only be experienced by one person.

After that horrible day, he counted down the days to his seventeenth birthday with a tremor in his fingers and a feeling of unaltered adoration that only seemed to grow with every passing month.

When he finally got his mark, he stared at it for over an hour, tracing every curve of his fated's name with his fingertips. He also pressed a kiss to his skin and promised, silently, to find  _ Sirius Orion Black _ .

Of course, because Remus was a man of his word, it took him less than a year to meet his soulmate.

Sirius was living in the streets back then, sleeping under cardboard boxes and eating bread turned green with rot.

Remus wasn't, isn't, will never be sure of how to explain what he felt when he finally was able to touch Sirius. It was maybe an experience you could never truly understand if you never lived through it. But it felt similar to electricity like thunder passed through their fingers and started roaring in their chests.

It was like when you're underwater and it becomes hard to breathe, making your head heavy and your entire body shake, meeting Sirius was taking that first breath in your abused lungs.

It was freedom in it's purest form.

Knowing you won't die alone doesn't mean their lives became easy overnight. For years, they had to hide, only seeing each other in clubs and pubs. For years, Sirius worked in cafes where drugs are the only way to rise up, he never dealt but he also never stopped the traffic he witnessed.  It all came to an end when Remus got his first teaching job and, with his decades of savings, got a flat. Sirius moved in the very next day.

They were both thirty and, most of the time, happy when Remus was awakened deep in the night by a warm but unwelcome pang in his left wrist, just below Sirius' name, and in front of his tired eyes, a new name appears.

_ Nymphadora Tonks. _

When Sirius saw it the next morning, he screamed so loudly that Remus pressed his hands to his ears, trying vainly to stop the storm that was going to wreck them apart.

Sirius' name was still proudly sitting on his wrist above the new letters, but Nymphadora's name was darker, newer, it looked like the upgraded version of Sirius' faded one.

Remus tried to understand, he'd never heard of such things happening before, but no one, nothing had an answer and he'd left with only the solid proof on his skin that, somehow, he had two soulmates.

"Choose," Sirius said one night, drunk on cheap red wine and high as a kite. "Choose one name and cut the other one or so help me, Remus, I'm gone."

He stared at Sirius' scar, the one where his name should appear and he went back to that day when he was sixteen when he agonized and died a little inside.  He couldn’t do it to Sirius, not again. Sirius was his everything, the reason why he woke up in the morning and why he slept peacefully at night.

Sirius was his first breath after diving into an ocean of darkness.

Nymphadora wouldn't understand, she was so young, too young to possibly live through such a thing, Remus would be a monster if he cut out her name and made her go through all of this on her own.

And yet, when Sirius kissed him sweetly and repeated those dreadful words, he pressed the knife to his wrist and sliced the girl's name off.

When the night came, Remus was pressed to Sirius's back, holding him tightly as the tears poured out.

Love's power was not something you played with lightly. If you loved truly, too much, too deeply, the line between right and wrong became unclear and you turned into what you always dreaded.

Either a victim or a monster.

Without realising it, Remus became both. He made his bed, next to Sirius and his too sharp love, and now he has to lie in it.


	9. i'm not half the man i used to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> london, 1985, lyall lupin sees his son for the first time in years. but this meeting isn't a happy one. muggle au.
> 
> (tw : death, homophobic slurs, illness)

There's a subtle difference between the taste of sickness and death. It might feel the same on the type of your tongue, but the bitter bile that follows only comes with disease and illness. Death tastes like empty promises and regrets. It tastes like diluted coffee and sugar pills.

It tastes like nothing at all.

Lyall Lupin makes his way through white corridors with a wave of disgust every time his eyes catch the sight of blood. He shouldn't be here, he hates sick people, sick people who vomit, piss and shit themselves. He hates them.

_Like the wife that you left, the one who couldn’t remember your face, couldn’t remember her own son._

His son.

His son is in this hospital, he's been here for a few months now, but Lyall never took the time to visit him. Mainly because he hates hospitals, also because he believed Remus would be fine.

_Did you really? Or were you scared of his reaction? Of his hatred?_

He walks until his feet stop him in front of a pale yellow door. Number 179.

_Your wife was number 97, her door was blue, you left her to die alone._

There's a man sitting next to his son, a man with dark hair brushed in a ponytail, with purple marks under his eyes. He looks exhausted, he looks broken. He looks like the embodiment of grief.

" _Dad, I want you to meet Sirius." Remus had said, trembling with fear. "He's the love of my life."_

Lyall refused to meet Sirius Black all those years ago. He spat at Remus that _fags_ shouldn't live together, that he would get sick and that if that gay disease killed him, then that was just God's will. Was it? Did God hate Remus, people like Remus? Did he punish them for their lives, their loves?

Or did they punish men like Lyall Lupin by taking everything they hold dear away from them?

"Mr Lupin?" Sirius says, his voice barely stronger than a whisper. "Remus is asleep, but he should wake up in a few minutes."

Lyall doesn't reply, he doesn't say hello, doesn't say sorry. He observes his son, his grey skin and thin arms, his blue lips and frail legs. He already looked dead.

_"Dad, please come back." Remus had begged. "Mom is not well, you need to say goodbye."_

He didn't say goodbye, he didn’t go to the funeral, he didn’t hold his crying son or paid his respect to the woman he used to love. He stayed hidden.

"Dad, is that you?" Remus asks in a breath. "Dad?"

Lyall tries to not suffocate, the taste of disease, the bitter bile, Remus is covered in it. "Hello, son."

_"Dad, please." Remus had cried. "I don't want to be alone."_

Why didn't he go back, why didn't he keep his son safe and told him how much he actually meant to him.

Why?

"I didn't think you would come." Remus laughs, but it's cold, it's ice.

"I guess I deserve that."

Remus laughs again, but this time he coughs and Sirius is running to the corridor, calling someone because Remus is coughing and it's coming out red and purulent. Remus chokes. "It's a bit late to ask yourself what you deserve, dad."

"I know."

_A child with his mother's eyes and his father's nose. A child, a child, his child. His son._

"I should have come sooner." Lyall says, and it's not a confession, it's not an apology. It's a fact.

Remus smiles, his eyes are getting darker, like a night in the Summer. Sirius is still screaming, the world around them is crashing. "Yes." Remus replies, his fingers around his father's slowly losing their grip. "You should have."

_But, you didn’t._

Nothing left to say, no one left to say it. Sirius stopped screaming, Remus' eyes go unseeing. 

The taste of disease, the bitter bile turns to the one of diluted coffee.


	10. it's getting dark too dark to see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the order of the phoenix reminisces on sirius black, james potter, lily evans and peter pettigrew. remus (kindly) disagrees.

It happened a few days after school ended.

Harry didn't know how to contain what he felt now that his mind wasn't occupied by futile things. He didn't know who to blame but himself now that he couldn't scream his rage at Dumbledore's infuriating calm face.

They didn't have a funeral, they weren't allowed to because Sirius was still seen as a murderer, would always be seen as the monster who betrayed Lily and James Potter by people other than the Order, and while Harry knows that was enough for his godfather, a part of him suffocates every time he thinks of the words the world affiliated with the name Sirius Black.

Not having a funeral doesn't mean they don't grieve. Harry locks himself in his room at the Dursley's and barely eats, which is not that far away from his usual Summer activities, but this time every breath he takes makes him ache with sorrow. He knows the others are probably grieving as well, he has a thought for Tonks and her parents, who just lost the only loveable relative they still had, and he keeps himself from thinking too much about Lupin. That's a corner of pain, guilt and horror, Harry is not ready to face yet.

But, he's quickly brought there by Molly Weasley. She says they should all eat together, talk about the ones they lost and try to soothe each other's wounds. She invites Harry, even calls the Dursleys to tell them she will come to pick him up, and he has not the heart nor the strength to refuse something like this. Molly is too kind, too gentle with him to get anything else from him but absolute adoration.

The start of the diner is tense, Dumbledore is sitting at the very end of the table, where Arthur sits when they have more casual meals, Kingsley and Moody are here as well, followed by a tired and grey looking Tonks.

Lupin is the last one to arrive, his skin is the colour of old oats and his eyes hold so many unshed tears that they look like tiny orbs of light on his scarred face.

They all sit, pass plates of great smelling food and make small talk. Fred and George fill most of the silence with news about their "shop project", Ginny talks about Quidditch and Kingsley follows her lead. In the end, Arthur takes out a bottle of amber liquid Harry recognises as Firewhisky and pours tall shots of it to the seven adults present.

Molly even offers the twins a drink, but they decline it both, which truly speaks about how awful the situation is.

"I remember when I first met that bloody fool," Moody starts, his good eye slightly shiny. "He couldn't have been older than nineteen and he just appeared out of nowhere with a flying motorcycle."

He drinks his shot and looks directly at Harry, "He had this hunger for justice. He was so certain of what he was doing when he asked me how to join the Order."

Harry feels his heart break a little at the idea of a young Sirius, fresh out of school and ready to jump into war. Ron must sense it because Harry feels a warm hand settle on his under the table, like a blanket over his shivering heart.

When Sirius died, Harry couldn’t speak, he could only scream and throw things. He got mean with Ginny, got even meaner when Hermione tried to calm him, and he became truly awful when Ron stepped in. And every time, Ginny left the room with sad eyes and Hermione kissed his cheek in goodbye, but Ron stayed.

Ron bore the weight of Harry's anger on shoulders and held Harry and he sobbed. If Ron wasn't already his best friend, his brother, he truly became a part of Harry on those long days.

Now, they're left with this connection that was only barely there before Sirius died. This sort of telepathic link that allows Ron to understand Harry better than he does himself.

"I shared his dorm," Kingsley said. "I don't know if you remember, Remus. But, I used to watch the four of you leave in the middle of the night just for a prank, or wake up at dawn to prepare a forbidden potion." He laughs and a few people chuckle with him. "You were all exhausting."

Remus doesn't add anything, his lips are drawn in a thin line and he pours himself another shot, but Harry doesn't think too much of it.

"He was brave," Molly sighs, "Braver than a lot of us."

Tonks smiles, "And he was kind, he was always so kind."

Dumbledore hums, making everyone stare at him with anticipation. "Minerva could have told you many stories about the Marauders and the troubles they put themselves in."

"I always knew Peter was a bad boy," Molly says and Tonks nods. "He had this... aura."

"James, on the other hand," Arthur starts. "His heart was always pure."

"He and Lily were soulmates," Tonks whispers.

Harry feels his ears ring and his heart beat faster, this is becoming too much, too many beautiful words and too sweet tears on the cheeks of Ginny and Hermione. He wants to get out of here.

He's ready room excuse himself when he hears someone snort.

"Well," Remus says and he looks feral, dangerous and angry. "That's absolute bullshit."

There's silence, deafening silence before Molly gasps, "Remus!"

"No!" He roars, "You want to tell stories about Sirius Black the Lionheart and James Potter the King? You want to talk about all their good deeds and oh so pure hearts?"

He gets up, his chair falling as he does so. "That's bullshit! Sirius wasn’t  _ kind,  _ he was an absolute pain in everybody's ass, he made awful jokes that hurt people and made terrible decisions because he was a selfish prick who couldn't deal with rejection."

"And James?" He continues, screaming now. "James wasn't a  _ pure heart,  _ he was mean, sometimes even cruel when we were kids. The things he did to Severus Snape were truly awful. And Lily  _ hated  _ him until she didn’t, they weren't soulmates. They learned to love each other."

"Remus, what we meant was..." Tonks tries.

"I know what you meant." Remus spats. "You want to make saints out of them, you want to crucify Peter and build statues of righteous James and Sirius. But guess what? They weren't perfect, none of them were, and while yes, Peter betrayed us and I can never forgive him for it. I understand why he did, I understand him and the truth is..." He stutters and Harry can see the start of tears in his eyes. "The truth is, Sirius might have been my world, James might have been my brother, but so was Peter. And if I met him now, I don't know if I would kill or hug him."

He drank his shot, crushed the glass on the table and looked at them all. "Have fun creating your legends."

And with that he was gone, leaving everyone speechless and Harry trembling.

 


	11. everything i like is a little bit sweeter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lazy hogwarts morning.

 It's an early January morning, there's frost on the Gryffindor tower's windows and a brisk breeze travels through the corridors of the castle, just to tingle the bottom of Sirius' feet. As usual, when the cold slowly wakes him, he places his icy heels on Remus' warm bare legs and shares his awful shiver with the other boy.

"Bloody hell. Get off, Pads." Remus whispers, too tired to mumble anything else.

Sirius doesn't listen, on the contrary, he snuggles closer to his lover and presses his nose, made humid by the low temperature, into Remus' naked armpit.  Remus yaps, almost like a dog, and moves out of the bed, his own bed that Sirius climbs in every night, leaving the entire heated up duvet to his bed thief.

"Well, now I'm awake," Remus says, his hands on his hips and his skin getting visible chills.

Sirius smiles into the pillow, Remus' pillow that smells like cinnamon and musk. He can hear James grumble in his sleep and he also picks up Peter's naked feet on the wooden floor.  Frank is already out of the room, he's almost sure of it, and if Peter's low huffs say anything, he's getting dressed and will go to breakfast in near minutes.

"Come back to bed." Sirius moans as he extends his arms out of the blanket to try and grab Remus' hand.

Remus laughs, it's clear and beautiful, like the sounds of a small river falling on polished rocks. "You're the one who kicked me out."

"A simple misunderstanding, now get back here."

Remus complies, he always does, and soon enough Sirius is wrapped around him, squeezing the warmth out of him.

"We're going to miss breakfast," Remus remarks when he hears Peter leave the dorm, followed by a groaning James. "There won't be any milk for your tea."

"I don't care," Sirius says in a kiss, his chapped lips meeting the corners of Remus', uncaring of his potent morning breath.

Remus kisses back, his tongue peeking out and licking Sirius' bottom lip with hunger. They stay like this for a while, locked into an embrace that leaves no place for secrets or lonely thoughts.

"You will only get cold coffee if we don't move now." Remus groans as Sirius kisses his neck, from the bottom of his collarbone to the angle of his jaw.

Sirius hums absently, "Ew, coffee, what an awful invention."

There's a comfortable silence, a moment of quiet where the only noise emanating from the room is the soft sounds of Sirius' lips on Remus' skin.

"I kind of relate to coffee," Remus says in a breath, his dark eyes roaming the small but compact body of his lover.

Sirius smiles, "Because you keep me up until two am?"

Remus laughs, his voice muffled by Sirius' shoulder. "Because I'm bitter and most people only like me when they can change an aspect of myself."

The silence isn't as warm anymore, there's an edge of ice to it, something that changes their usual morning shiver into a bone-chilling experience.

"I wouldn't change a thing about you." Sirius finally replies, his fingertips drumming on the other boy's back.

"Nothing?" Remus asks, and Sirius knows what he's referring to, he knows that when Remus has this look on his face, he has the taste of dead birds on his tongue, the smell of fresh blood in his nostrils and the shadow of a blue moonlight on his eyelids.

Sirius kisses his cheek. "Nothing." He reassures.

And if he drinks more black coffee in the following days, forcing the aftertaste at first before truly enjoying it, Remus doesn't mention it.


	12. i wrapped it up and sent it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a winter party at the potters

After last year's Christmas disaster, the very one that almost caused Peter's certain death by drowning in Hogwarts' lake, James invites them all to the Potters' mansion with only slight apprehension.

It doesn't take much to convince Sirius, he already lives there anyway, nor Peter, who then immediately starts to create a new recipe of raisin pudding. Remus needs a bit more begging, from James, and a bit more filthy whispers, from Sirius, to finally concede in going. But he warns James that he will wear his kippah, Christmas tree or not and that if an unplanned, and totally impossible, full moon rises, he needs to be locked far away from the Potters.

Lily refuses the invitation kindly, her family misses her like crazy and she's supposed to meet her sister's first serious boyfriend. She apologises once or twice, then has to reassure James profusely that yes, she still loves him and no, she doesn't think it's " _ bloody bonkers _ " to meet his parents this early. 

The four of them leave for Liverpool when frost starts to turn into ice and rain is now definitely snow, they're all bundled in long coats and cardigan, Sirius even wears a stupid hat to protect his hair from the wind while Remus holds his naked hands in his gloved ones. But when they arrive at the Potters', the warmest thing isn't the open fire in the living room, but Euphemia's embrace and Fleamont's cheerful laugh.

The resemblance between the Potters is uncanny, James has his father's lips and nose, he also smiles as genuinely, but the rest is all his mother's. The eyes, deep brown, the black hair and tan skin, they even share an accent.

They decide to eat before exchanging gifts, mainly because James' stomach makes an audible sound, like the growl of a feral animal, when the smell of his mother's Biryani hits him. They end up devouring almost their own weight in dumplings, rice, curry and stew before Peter serves his own dessert. Their dinner is the perfect mix between Indian and British cooking, so representative of Euphemia and Fleamont Potters' life that it can only leave a sweet aftertaste.

When they all gather around the tree, Euphemia Potter tells them how she used to decorate her childhood home with banana leaves and colourful beads when she was thirteen. Fleamont smile, he probably has heard the story a hundred times, but he looks fondly at his wife and sits on the leather sofa right next to the presents, like a guard dog protecting the spirit of Christmas. James is the one who interrupts his mother, he's been eyeing the large package with his name on it since they arrived earlier in the evening and he can no longer wait. Euphemia sighs makes a remark about impatience in teenagers but lets the four boys throw themselves on the neatly wrapped gifts.

Remus, who has never celebrated Christmas before, surprises them all by pulling out more presents from his bag, that he must have enlarged magically because no bag, no matter how great, can contain an entire fruit basket. In the end, that's exactly what the Potters receive, a fruit basket from him and Peter, and an overly expensive bottle of fairy mead James and Sirius must have stolen. 

Peter gets an oddly shaped scarf that looks rather comfortable from James, a pack of Zonko's explosives from Sirius, a red jumper from the Potters and a little black book, who may or not be enchanted to always give the right answers to written questions, from Remus.

James tears down the wrapping from his new Quidditch equipment, an obvious gift from his parents, he thanks Peter for the stag cookies, he snorts when Remus gives him a hat with fake antlers, just to match, then he openly laughs when Sirius hands over a Muggle book named " _ James and the Giant Peach _ ".

Sirius doesn't even notice his own gifts at first, of course, he's thankful for James' pun book, Peter's homemade truffles and the Potters' silver watch, that looks far too elegant to ever belong to him, but he's entirely focused on Remus.

He's focused on Remus' face when he opens the set of magical encyclopedia Peter and James bought him, or the far too large jumper Euphemia knitted him. He's fixated on Remus' humid eyes and trembling smile when he unwraps the crescent moon pendant he got him, the one that pairs perfectly with Sirius' star necklace. 

Remus breathes out a thank you before he shoves his present in Sirius' open hands, it's rectangular, it could be a book, but Sirius is certain it isn't. Remus wouldn't be this predictable. And he's right because the gift is a picture frame, a wooden picture frame with only one, unmoving photograph.

Sirius remembers when this picture was taken, it was after a Quidditch game, Lily had a Muggle camera and she asked the four of them to pose. Which they did, because they're nothing if not agreeable, that lead to Remus kissing his cheek, James making a gagging face and Peter making bunny ears behind Sirius. They look absolutely ridiculous, and the image doesn't even move to spare them the humiliation. No, this picture doesn't change, doesn't transform, it's an eternal representation of youth and happiness, of love and friendship.

"Do you like it?" Remus asks, his eyes shining just as brightly as the stars on the Christmas tree.

Sirius looks up, taking in every edge of his face and every detail of his skin, like the beauty mark near his nose and the freckles all over his cheeks. "I love it." He replies with a smile, and he's not sure he's only talking about the gift.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](https://kitseypavlikovsky.tumblr.com/)


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